Day 164 - Now I've Heard Everything

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the Arizona dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-10 toward Tucson, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I'm too old for this,” and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the Trooper.

Day 163 - How Accurate is it?

Jake brought home a date after a big night out and she noticed a massive gong hanging in the hall way and asked, “What's that?”

Jake told her it was a talking clock and she asked how it worked.

So Jake grabbed the hammer next to it and started laying into the gong. Suddenly a voice could be heard yelling “HEY, ASSSHOLE, IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!!!”

Day 162 - Must Be All the Seaweed

Why did the mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her B shells.

Day 161 – At Least It’s More Than 2 Cents

How do you know the moon is going broke?

It’s down to its last quarter.

 

Day 160 - I Saw That Coming

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A stick.

Day 159 - You Deserved That

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  The store wasn't ready yet, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask if we're open."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left!"

 

 

Day 158 - Ah-ha

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"