Friday, January 31, 2014

Day 157 - Who is it?

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?


Thursday, January 30, 2014

Day 156 - I'm Gonna Jump!

If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Day 155 - Mad, I Tell You

Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “So, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?”

The other replies, “Terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Day 154 - That's a Tongue Twister

Sam and Michelle lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual except for one thing: she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

 After a couple of weeks Michelle said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” Sam hadn't and said so.

Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.”

 Well, the plan went off without a hitch and Michelle was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to Sam and then leave. Sam then walked up the beach and met Michelle at the road.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she's not,” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it then? What does she do?” Michelle fairly shrieked.

Sam grinned and said, “She's a battery salesperson.”

“Batteries?” she cried.

“Yes.” he replied.




 (OOOOH! You're going to dislike me for this, but it will make your day!)



 “She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!”


Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 153 - Damn Hipsters...again

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Day 152 - Wearing The Pants

George had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, Marie, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Marie replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess.”

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Day 151 - Too Much Pepper

As Joanne was cooking a meal, she was using herbs and spices to kick the taste up a notch. One of the spices tickled her nose and she sneezed.
Jake said, "Bless you!"

Joanne replied, "Thanks, must be seasonal allergies."

Friday, January 24, 2014

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Day 149 - Yee-ouch!

A teenager walked into a drug store. After much hemming and hawing, he sheepishly told the druggist that he wanted a box of condoms. "That will be $5.00", the druggist said, "Plus tax."

"TACKS !!!" the boy exclaimed," Don't you have the kind that stay on by themselves?"

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Day 147 - Why, Thank You

Fellow went into a bar and was sitting there, sipping a cold one and munching on the peanuts laid out on the counter when he heard a tiny, tinny voice say, "That's a really nice tie you're wearing. Outstanding."

The man looked around. No one was there.

The voice came again: "And I love the shoes. Those must be Bostonians."

The man waved the bar-tender over. "Hey, listen," he said, "I've Only had one drink so I know I'm not smashed. But maybe I'm going crazy. I keep hearing these little voices saying nice things to me."

The barman said: "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

Monday, January 20, 2014

Day 146 - So Embarrassed

Why did the stop light turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Day 145 - Knitting and Driving

Sue is driving a car and knitting at the same time.
An officer, appalled by her negligence flips on his lights and yells, "PULL OVER!"
Sue slows down, pulls next to him, rolls down her window, then yells, "NO! IT'S A TURTLE NECK!"

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Day 144 - Sorry, I Couldn’t Resist

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is skinny, and the remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Day 141 - Truth in Advertising?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.”

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Day 140 - Yes, I Like the View

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Day 137 - Where'd This Come From?

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients.

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Friday, January 10, 2014

Day 136 - Bawk It Up

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Day 135 - Extra Meaty

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Day 133 - And He Gathers No Moss

A frog went into a bank and hopped over to the loan officer's desk. He jumped up onto the chair and said to the officer, "Hi, what is your name?"

The loan officer said, "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?"

The frog replied, "I want a loan."

"OK," said Mr. Padewak, "let's fill out a loan application. What is your name?"

"Kermit," said the frog, "Kermit Jagger."

"Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asked.

"Yeah, he's my Dad!" answered Kermit.

"Wow!" said Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?"

"Yes, I do," and Kermit reached into his pocket and pulled out a big, bright pink, ceramic elephant. He placed it on the desk in front of Mr. Padewak.

Padewak scratched his head and said, "Excuse me for a moment." He then walked into the bank manager's office with the loan application and the elephant in hand.

Padewak said, "Uh, sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan." He handed the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well, I don't know what it is, for collateral!" He put the shiny pink elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?"


The bank manager stood up and shouted, "It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!! His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Day 130 - Permanent Wave

Bob was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Bob pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Bob felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw him crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked him what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," Bob explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told him not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. Bob was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Friday, January 3, 2014

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Day 127 - Not Funny

What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?

I haven't seen you since last year!