Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Day 126 - What??

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Day 125 - So Says Science

Saw a new band tonight. They were called "Prevention."  They were better than "The Cure."

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Day 124 - Joke Grammar

Knock knock.

Who’s there?


To Who?

No, no, no, it’s “to whom?”

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Day 123 - I Don't Want To Know

What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you use a feather...
perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Day 122 - It's All A Lie

Today I changed a lightbulb

and then I crossed the road

and walked into a bar…

and then I realized that my entire life was a joke.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Day 120 - That's Quite a Horse

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

“Nice bike,” the cop said, “Did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yes Sir,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, “Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!”

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?”

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, “Yes, he sure did!”

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Day 119 - Damn Skippy

What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Day 117 - The First One

What Christmas song is hidden in the alphabet:
        A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z?

Noel (No "L")

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Friday, December 20, 2013

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Day 114 - Or Maybe Harold Be His Name?

The TV game show was really close. One contestant was asked to name 2 of Santa's reindeer. The contestant gave a sigh thinking that he had finally been given an easy question, "Rudolph and Olive!"
The host asked the contestant, "We'll accept Rudolph but can you explain Olive?"
The man looked at the host and said, "You know, 'Olive' the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Monday, December 16, 2013

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Day 110 - Knit One, Drop Two

Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?

They are always dropping their needles.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Day 108 - An Inn? Try the Four Seasons.

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Day 107 - Icy Hot

What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?

An ice burger with chili sauce.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Day 106 - That's Cold

If Frosty the Snowman married a vampire, what would they name their child?


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Monday, December 9, 2013

Day 104 - Breaking and Shopping

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge.

"It is if you do it before the shops are open," countered the defendant.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Day 99 - Dasher or Prancer?

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?
"Looks like rain, dear."

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Day 95 - Sorry, NJ-ers

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 94 - Make It On The Rocks

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Day 92 - At Least They Didn't Go To Plaid

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?

Both crews were marooned...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Day 91 - This Is Not The Time For Poetry

Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, bushes are red, trees are red... Holy crap! My garden’s on fire!!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Day 90 - What's HER Obsession?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Day 89 - Lancaster Humor

Knock knock

Who's there?


Amish Who?

Awwww How sweet. I miss you too.



Saturday, November 23, 2013

Day 88 - You Have Weasels on Your Face

Cigarettes are just like weasels.  Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Day 86 - He Didn't Even Have To Cry

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 85 - Slow Poke

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started.

He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Day 84 - Shocking

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 82 - Is It Cold In Here?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."