Saturday, March 22, 2014

Day 207 - Discrimination

A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.

The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Day 205 - Not Flying So High

Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.  They bagged four.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane can take only two moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

He replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Day 204 - He Needs Glasses

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Day 203 - Doctor Who?

What do you get when you cross a dalek with a mathematician?

A hate-filled  robot who rolls around yelling “Extrapolate!”

Monday, March 17, 2014

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Day 201 - The Duck Has Ceased To Be

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

 After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

 The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

 A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.  The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

 The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Day 200 - No Title is Strong Enough

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.  They put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.  So, the docs changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".  This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" – unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Day 199 - Math Gains

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Day 198 - Thank You, Smart Ass

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now Jeff, who discovered America?
JEFF: Maria.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Day 197 - He Didn't Enjoy the Sights?

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Day 196 - I'm Sorry

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.

One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."

Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.

"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"

Monday, March 10, 2014

Day 195 - That Ain't No Bull

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree and he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Day 194 - Maybe Then the Circus

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he was there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He said to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man said, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.

The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant served him and noticed the penguins were still in the car. He said to the man, “I thought you were taking them to the zoo?”

The man replied, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Day 193 - And I'm Here to...

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well-being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Day 192 - Sold Separately

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Day 191 - Ouch

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Monday, March 3, 2014

Day 188 - Like Most of Congress...

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on a coast-to-coast flight when he turned to her and said,

“Let's talk. I've heard that air travel goes by quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don't know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming or universal health care,” and he smiles smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?"

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Day 187 - Brilliant

Mitch walked into a bank in New York City asking for a loan for $4000 dollars.

“Well, before we lend you the money we are going to need some kind of security,” the loan officer said.

“No problem,” Mitch responded, “here are the keys to my car.  You’ll see it, it’s a black Porsche parked in the back of the parking lot.”

A few weeks later the man returned to pay off his loan. While he was paying it up, along with the interest of $11 dollars, the manager came over, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business, but if you don’t mind me asking, after you left we looked into you and found out that you are a millionaire, why would you need to borrow $4000 dollars?”

“Well,” Mitch responded, “it’s quite simple, where else can I park my car for three weeks in New York for $11 dollars?

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 185 - Not Groovy

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out man!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Day 183 - I Forgot What I Was Saying

Herb and Beth Williams were in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told them that they were physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, Herb got up from his chair.
Beth asked, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replied.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorted.
Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbled into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?”

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Monday, February 24, 2014

Day 181 - Just Add Butter

Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?

Because he wanted mashed potatoes.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Day 179 - Sounds About Right

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were discussing what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist said, "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."

The mathematician said, "A wife. You have security."

The computer scientist said, "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

Friday, February 21, 2014

Day 178 - Oops


“Hi honey, this is Daddy.  Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.”

After a brief pause, Daddy said, “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.”

“Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

There was another brief pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”

There was a very long pause.

Then Daddy said, “Swimming pool???  Is this 555-5731?”

“No, I think you have the wrong number.”

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Day 177 - Smart Ass

The class teacher asked students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy said, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asked for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy said, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sent the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asked for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouted from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Day 176 - I Think I Did...

I used to be in a band, we were called “Lost Dog.” You probably saw our posters.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 175 - No Jokes Today

Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Day 174 - Alrighty Then

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 173 - He's a Sharp Dresser

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it is cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Day 172 - The Tip of Humor

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...couldn't walk for a year....

Friday, February 14, 2014

Day 171 - Ich liebe dich!

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. Shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Day 170 - Ikea?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Day 169 - Cheese?

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Day 168 - Literally

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Day 167 - There Has to be a Better Way of Sharing this News

I rang granny last week to find out how grandpa was getting on in the old folks home (he had moved in just two weeks ago).

"You know," she said, "he's like a fish out of water."

"That's a shame." I said. "I'm sorry to hear he's not settling in."

“It's not that," said granny, "he's dead."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Day 165 - That's the Long and Short of It

What did the monkey say when his tail got caught it the lawn mower?

“It won’t be long now.”

Friday, February 7, 2014

Day 164 - Now I've Heard Everything

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the Arizona dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-10 toward Tucson, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I'm too old for this,” and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the Trooper.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Day 163 - How Accurate is it?

Jake brought home a date after a big night out and she noticed a massive gong hanging in the hall way and asked, “What's that?”

Jake told her it was a talking clock and she asked how it worked.

So Jake grabbed the hammer next to it and started laying into the gong. Suddenly a voice could be heard yelling “HEY, ASSSHOLE, IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!!!”

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Monday, February 3, 2014

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Day 159 - You Deserved That

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  The store wasn't ready yet, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask if we're open."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left!"