Friday, February 28, 2014

Day 185 - Not Groovy

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out man!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Day 183 - I Forgot What I Was Saying

Herb and Beth Williams were in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told them that they were physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, Herb got up from his chair.
Beth asked, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen," he replied.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorted.
Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbled into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?”

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Monday, February 24, 2014

Day 181 - Just Add Butter

Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?

Because he wanted mashed potatoes.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Day 179 - Sounds About Right

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were discussing what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist said, "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."

The mathematician said, "A wife. You have security."

The computer scientist said, "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

Friday, February 21, 2014

Day 178 - Oops


“Hi honey, this is Daddy.  Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy.  She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.”

After a brief pause, Daddy said, “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.”

“Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

There was another brief pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.  Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.

“I did it, Daddy.”

“And what happened, honey?”

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.  Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.  He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.  He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.”

There was a very long pause.

Then Daddy said, “Swimming pool???  Is this 555-5731?”

“No, I think you have the wrong number.”

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Day 177 - Smart Ass

The class teacher asked students to name an animal that begins with an “E”. One boy said, “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asked for an animal that begins with a “T”. The same boy said, “Two elephants.”

The teacher sent the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asked for an animal beginning with “M”.

The boy shouted from the other side of the wall: “Maybe an elephant!”

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Day 176 - I Think I Did...

I used to be in a band, we were called “Lost Dog.” You probably saw our posters.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Day 175 - No Jokes Today

Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Day 174 - Alrighty Then

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Day 173 - He's a Sharp Dresser

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it is cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Day 172 - The Tip of Humor

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...couldn't walk for a year....

Friday, February 14, 2014

Day 171 - Ich liebe dich!

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. Shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Day 170 - Ikea?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Day 169 - Cheese?

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Day 168 - Literally

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Day 167 - There Has to be a Better Way of Sharing this News

I rang granny last week to find out how grandpa was getting on in the old folks home (he had moved in just two weeks ago).

"You know," she said, "he's like a fish out of water."

"That's a shame." I said. "I'm sorry to hear he's not settling in."

“It's not that," said granny, "he's dead."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Day 165 - That's the Long and Short of It

What did the monkey say when his tail got caught it the lawn mower?

“It won’t be long now.”

Friday, February 7, 2014

Day 164 - Now I've Heard Everything

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the Arizona dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-10 toward Tucson, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I'm too old for this,” and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused. Then said, “Years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the Trooper.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Day 163 - How Accurate is it?

Jake brought home a date after a big night out and she noticed a massive gong hanging in the hall way and asked, “What's that?”

Jake told her it was a talking clock and she asked how it worked.

So Jake grabbed the hammer next to it and started laying into the gong. Suddenly a voice could be heard yelling “HEY, ASSSHOLE, IT'S THREE IN THE MORNING!!!”

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Monday, February 3, 2014

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Day 159 - You Deserved That

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  The store wasn't ready yet, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask if we're open."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left!"

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Day 158 - Ah-ha

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"