Sunday, September 29, 2013

Day 33 - He's So Flagged

Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One guy turned to the other and said: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shook his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy said, "What are you, crazy? There is no way that could happen."

The first guy was adamant, "No it’s true let me prove it to you." So he got up from the bar, jumped over the balcony, and started falling to the street below. When he passed the tenth floor, the high wind whipped him around the building and back into the tenth-floor window and he took the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy said, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy said, "No, I’ll prove it again" and again he jumped and hurtled toward the street where the tenth-floor wind gently carried him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urged his fellow drinker to try it.

The second guy thought for a moment and said, "Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it." He jumped over the balcony, plunged downward, passed the eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth floors... and hit the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs the bartender turned to the first guy and said, "You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk."

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Day 32 - Ummm...

My friend says I just don’t understand irony, which was ironic because we were at a bus-stop at the time.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Day 31 - Not U2

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He stood too close to the Edge.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Day 30 - He's HEADED for a Walk on the Plank

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
"What's with the paper towel?" asked the bartender.

"Aaarr," answered the pirate, "There be a Bounty on me head."

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Monday, September 23, 2013

Day 27 – You’re In Trouble (Get It?)

Little Bobby came into class and told his kindergarten teacher that he’d found a cat on his way to school, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?" Miss Lane asked Bobby.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered Bobby.
“You did WHAT?!?" Miss Lane exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained Bobby, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Friday, September 20, 2013

Day 24 - Crawling Through the Gutter

Paddy O’Malley was drinking at a pub all night. When he stood up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, but again fell flat on his face. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. Paddy decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door, he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time, he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He woke the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asked innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Day 22 - Never Saw it Coming

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Day 21 - I'm Not Letting You In

Knock Knock

Who's there?


Doris who?

Doris locked that’s why I am knocking!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Day 20 - Be Careful What You Wish For

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.  He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.

The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."

"Very smart," said the bartender.

"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."

"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"

"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Day 19 - Chemistry Joke!

Two scientists walk into a bar. 
The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.” 
The second says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” 
The second scientist dies.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Day 17 - Oh Boy!

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy."

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Day 16 - Shhhhh

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

Because it has a silent "p".

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Day 14 - Honesty - The Best Policy?

A father bought a lie detecting robot built to slap people when they lie.  He decided to test it out at dinner that night.  The father asked his son, Billy, what he did that day.
Billy said, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slapped Billy. 
"Ok, Ok,” Billy said, “I was at Dave's house watching a movie."

Dad asked, "What movie did you watch?"
Billy said, "Toy Story 3," and he got slapped again. 
"Ok, Ok,” Billy said again.  “We were watching porn."
"What!?” Dad exclaimed.  “At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slapped the father.

Mom laughed and said, "Well, he is certainly your son."
The robot slapped the mother.

P.S. Robot for Sale

Monday, September 9, 2013

Day 13 - Watch Out for the Edges

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Day 12 - Simply Focus on Your Dreams

What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?

Someday my prints will come…

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Day 11 - Very Carefully

Two fish were in a tank.

One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive

this thing?"

Friday, September 6, 2013

Day 10 - Can You BEAR It?

So this guy from the Czech Republic and his friend from Russia come to the U.S. on holiday. They go to Glacier Park in Montana and go camping. The park rangers tell them to call in everyday to report that they are okay and approximately where they are. They do that for the first few days but then they miss the next day, and then another day.

 The rangers mount a search for the two in the area where they were last reported. They find a pair of bears, a male and a female, sleeping deeply. Next to them are some shoes, a hat, and a couple of backpacks. Reluctantly, they kill the two bears.

 They cut open the female bear, discover human remains and a Russian passport.

 "You know what this means, don't you?" says one ranger.

"Yes," replies the second ranger somberly, "the Czech is in the male."

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Day 9 - Wait For It...

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy…
after all, he did kill Hitler.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Day 8 - Composer Confusion

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?


It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Day 7 - Story Time

One day Miss Jones was reading the story of Chicken Little to her first grade class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. Miss Jones read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”

Miss Jones paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"

Sally raised her hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy shit, a talking chicken!'"

Monday, September 2, 2013

Day 6 - Checkmate

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to please disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Sunday, September 1, 2013