Saturday, November 30, 2013

Day 95 - Sorry, NJ-ers

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey...

Friday, November 29, 2013

Day 94 - Make It On The Rocks

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Day 92 - At Least They Didn't Go To Plaid

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?

Both crews were marooned...

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Day 91 - This Is Not The Time For Poetry

Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, bushes are red, trees are red... Holy crap! My garden’s on fire!!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Day 90 - What's HER Obsession?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Day 89 - Lancaster Humor

Knock knock

Who's there?


Amish Who?

Awwww How sweet. I miss you too.



Saturday, November 23, 2013

Day 88 - You Have Weasels on Your Face

Cigarettes are just like weasels.  Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Day 86 - He Didn't Even Have To Cry

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 85 - Slow Poke

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started.

He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Day 84 - Shocking

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 82 - Is It Cold In Here?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 81 - Ba-dum-tsss

You've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Day 78 - Call Me Ishmael

Two whales, Bob and Louise, were swimming side by side in the ocean.  Suddenly, Bob spotted a ship in the distance. He recognized it as the whaling ship that killed his father.  Filled with anger, he said to Louise, “That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!”

When they were close enough, Bob said, “Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.” Louise agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.  The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

Bob was furious and said to Louise, “They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!”

That's when Louise stopped swimming, looked at Bob and said, “Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.”

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Day 77 - Too Awful to Name

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in…

Linoleum Blownapart.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Day 75 - It's Performance Art

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?


Three. One to set fire to the giraffe and two to fill the bath full of clocks.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Day 74 - A-Ha!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

Friday, November 8, 2013

Day 73 - He Who Must Not Be Named

Voldemort: Knock Knock
Harry Potter: Who's There?
Voldemort: You Know.
Harry Potter: You Know Who?
Voldemort: Exactly!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Day 70 - Dude, Where's My Kilt!

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Monday, November 4, 2013

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Day 67 - Not An Appropriate Time

Julie was visiting her friend Alyssa (who just happens to be a blonde), who had acquired two new dogs.  Julie said, “They’re adorable, what are their names?”

Alyssa replied, “The one on the couch is Rolex and this one by your feet is Timex.”
Julie look startled, "What?  Those are really odd names for dogs."

"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the Alyssa, "They're watch dogs!"

Friday, November 1, 2013

Day 66 - I Am

So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer.
At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.