My 34th Year in Jokes

Friday, February 14, 2014

Tell someone you love them today because life is short. Shout it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I rang granny last week to find out how grandpa was getting on in the old folks home (he had moved in just two weeks ago).

"You know," she said, "he's like a fish out of water."

"That's a shame." I said. "I'm sorry to hear he's not settling in."

“It's not that," said granny, "he's dead."

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

What did the monkey say when his tail got caught it the lawn mower?

“It won’t be long now.”