Day 95 - Sorry, NJ-ers

Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey...

Day 94 - Make It On The Rocks

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 

Day 93 - Happy Turkey Day!

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got Thanksgiving off!

Day 92 - At Least They Didn't Go To Plaid

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?

Both crews were marooned...

 

 

Day 91 - This Is Not The Time For Poetry

Roses are red, violets are red, tulips are red, bushes are red, trees are red... Holy crap! My garden’s on fire!!

Day 90 - What's HER Obsession?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

 

 

Day 89 - Lancaster Humor

Knock knock

Who's there?

Amish

Amish Who?

Awwww How sweet. I miss you too.

 

 

Day 88 - You Have Weasels on Your Face

Cigarettes are just like weasels.  Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and try to set fire to them.

Day 87 - Or Call Her on the Telephone

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

You Pokerface

Day 86 - He Didn't Even Have To Cry

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Day 85 - Slow Poke

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started.

He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

Day 84 - Shocking

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 

Day 83 - It's Still Too Much

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickleback

Day 82 - Is It Cold In Here?

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Day 81 - Ba-dum-tsss

You've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

 

 

 

Day 80 - An Old Favorite

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Day 79 - There Ain’t No Party Like A Math Party…

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?

Because you can't drink and derive...

 

Day 78 - Call Me Ishmael

Two whales, Bob and Louise, were swimming side by side in the ocean.  Suddenly, Bob spotted a ship in the distance. He recognized it as the whaling ship that killed his father.  Filled with anger, he said to Louise, “That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!”

When they were close enough, Bob said, “Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.” Louise agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.  The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

Bob was furious and said to Louise, “They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!”

That's when Louise stopped swimming, looked at Bob and said, “Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.”

 

 

Day 77 - Too Awful to Name

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in…

Linoleum Blownapart.

 

 

Day 76 - Was it Rated "Arrrr?"

I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5.  It was a pi-rated DVD.

Day 75 - It's Performance Art

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

                   

Three. One to set fire to the giraffe and two to fill the bath full of clocks.

Day 74 - A-Ha!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

Day 73 - He Who Must Not Be Named

Voldemort: Knock Knock
Harry Potter: Who's There?
Voldemort: You Know.
Harry Potter: You Know Who?
Voldemort: Exactly!

Day 72 - Quit Shoving!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll always still be stationery.

Day 71 - It's Your Carburetor

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

Day 70 - Dude, Where's My Kilt!

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Day 69 - Uhhh...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

 

Day 68 - Disgusting

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

It's two gross.

 

 

Day 67 - Not An Appropriate Time

Julie was visiting her friend Alyssa (who just happens to be a blonde), who had acquired two new dogs.  Julie said, “They’re adorable, what are their names?”

Alyssa replied, “The one on the couch is Rolex and this one by your feet is Timex.”

Julie look startled, "What?  Those are really odd names for dogs."

"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the Alyssa, "They're watch dogs!"

Day 66 - I Am

So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer.
At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?"
Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears.