Thursday, October 31, 2013

Day 65 - Hasta La Vista, Baby

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks.

Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven."

Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart."

Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 63 - Take Your Costume and Shove It


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg got invited to a fancy dress party. He couldn’t come up with a costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he wrote to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

 
 
 


The man thought this was terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he wrote a really rude letter of complaint. A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

 

Now the man was really annoyed since they had gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he wrote the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!"

Monday, October 28, 2013

Day 62 - Lost Legends

First Witch: "What are you doing?"
Second Witch: "I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer. I’m just missing the heart of a lawyer."
First Witch: "Good luck!"
 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Friday, October 25, 2013

Day 59 - Everything's Bigger...

A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.

"What the hell happened?" Asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.

"I'm not really sure." The man replied, rubbing his red cheek.

"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."
 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Day 58 - Green With Envy

You don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Day 57 - It's All About Mummy

Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends?



They're too wrapped up in themselves.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Day 55 - Must Be A Little Cold

A man was walking home alone late on Halloween night. It was very dark and several of the streetlights along his path were burned out. Suddenly, he heard

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Behind him. He walked faster, but the sound kept coming.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Worried he was being followed, he glanced behind him and through the darkness, and he could just see an upright coffin. No one seemed to be holding the coffin…it was just bumping down the street behind him. The man was terrified. In an effort to shake it off, he turned a corner. To his relief, the sound stopped. He kept walking but before a minute had passed, he heard the sound behind him again:

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

He was horrified! He started to run towards his home, but the faster he ran, the faster the coffin bounced along behind him!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

He pushed open his front gate, and ran up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reached the gate and effortlessly pushed it open. It was practically right behind him! Finally his shaking hands managed to unlock the front door. He had no time to slam it behind him; the coffin was right on his heels! He rushed up the stairs, praying the coffin couldn’t climb after him.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

The coffin paused at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathed a sigh of relief but ...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

clappity BUMP...

The coffin was now climbing the stairs behind him. He ran to the bathroom thinking perhaps he could lock himself in there! His heart pounded and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He had only just latched the bathroom door when ... CRASH!!!

The coffin broke through the bathroom door! It was nearly upon him! He reached out for something heavy that he could throw at the coffin, and his hand rested on a large bottle of cough syrup.

Desperately, he threw the cough syrup as hard as he could at the coffin and..........finally the coffin stopped!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Day 54 - I Wouldn't Cross Her


Two nuns, Sister Mary Margaret and Sister Joy were driving a convertible through the back streets of LA one night when a snarling vampire jumped on the hood.



“My god, a vampire! Show him your cross!” said Sister Mary Margaret.

“Ok,” replied Sister Joy, “HEY ASSHOLE! GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!!”

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Day 53 - Oh Sheet!


An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false alarm and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
 
 

Friday, October 18, 2013

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 49 - The Power of Debt Compels You

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?



He got repossessed.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Day 48 - But I'm Scared of Doctors...

A skeleton went to the doctor.



The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, "Aren't you a little late?"

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Day 47 - Knock Out!

Frankenstein and Dracula had a boxing match. Who won?



Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Day 46 - In Honor of Mel and John's Wedding

For the month of October I have been doing all Halloween themed jokes.  However, my best friend got married today and so I changed the theme in her honor:


Two antennas meet on a roof, fell in love, and got married.


The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Day 45 - Thanks, Jack

What did the boy jack-o'-lantern say to the girl jack-o'-lantern when they were on their way to a Halloween party?


You GLOW, girl!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Day 44 - My Shell

A guy named Billie Bob Joe goes to a costume dress party with a girl on his back.
Harold answered the door and asked, “What are you supposed to be?”
Billie Bob Joe replied, “I’m a turtle, of course.”
“What do you mean?  I don’t get it,” said Harold



Billie Bob Joe said, “The girl on my back is Michelle.”

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Day 43 - Could You Repeat That?

Why can't you tell a skeleton a secret?


Because it goes in one ear and out the other.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Monday, October 7, 2013

Day 41 - Besties

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?



'Cause demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Friday, October 4, 2013

Day 38 - Math Humor

What do you get when you divide the

circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?



Pumpkin Pi.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Day 37 - That's DEADication

What do you call a dead person in the closet?


The 1966 hide-and-go-seek champion.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013